Engadine local, Kelly Marks, has been found horizontal after lying to herself, and anyone who’ll listen, about the commencement date of an eating regimen that doesn’t revolve around Rocky Road.
After an admittedly “big weekend” (where she’d eaten enough camembert to prop-up the dairy industry and washed it down with a bottle of white wine) even her go-to jeggings were stretching to the point of transparency.
On Sunday afternoon, surrounded by friends and the remains of grazing plates and gourmet cheeses, the bloating of Kelly’s belly assured her that she’d consumed enough calories for a week.
“Diet starts tomorrow!” She declared, barely raising the eyebrow of her group of friends who couldn’t care less what she weighs and couldn’t hear her over the crackers they were crunching anyway.
In that moment, Kelly wasn’t quite sure if it was her overwhelming delusions, or the Pinot gris that was causing her head to spin.
She shook it off with a final piece of prosciutto as her “one last hurrah.”
Monday arrived, but Kelly’s groceries didn’t, because she’d been having too good a time to order any.
With a shortage of fresh fruit and veggies to blitz into a green smoothie, and feeling unable to construct a healthy breakfast from the gherkins, butter and soy sauce that she did have on hand, Kelly decided that skipping breakfast altogether was probably the best idea.
“It was the worst idea.” She told a reporter from The MOTS Mail this morning.
By mid-morning Kelly was as hungry as a kid after lights out. She was also trying to shake off a headache, which by this stage could’ve been due to too much wine, too little food, hormones or her hair-tie.
“I hadn’t prepared anything healthy so I headed for the cookie jar with a plan just to have one to tide me over until lunch.” Kelly said.
After the fourth biscuit, she decided it was not an ideal day to begin a new diet after all.
“Diet starts tomorrow!” Kelly had said again.
Witnesses say Kelly then tried to grab the bench to steady herself as her knees buckled under the weight of the dizzying déjà vu and the double-coated Tim Tams. Unable to let go of the glass cookie jar, Kelly failed to regain her balance and landed in a crumb-covered heap on the floor.
More to come.
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